Sacrifice

I start this entry not knowing how much I should share. I began writing very honestly in my personal journal so that I could watch how God heals and provides for us. The honest truth.....life is VERY difficult...or at least my perception is that it is. We shape expectations as we grow and are exposed to different life styles. I distinctly remember at the age of 16 looking into the lights of the church as God's power was falling on his people in a revival at Calvary Temple in the hills of WVa. I was comfortable there and my parents had decided to take a little church in Grafton and I DID NOT WANT TO GO. God challenged me that night and I said, "Yes, wherever God I will go." At the time this seemed like a huge sacrifice, but God really taught me a lot over the next few years of ministry with my parents. Ministry seemed so beautiful and popular to choose, little did I know what real sacrifice was.

I was just reading a discipleship book this morning and it quoted Luke 14:28.

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether you have enough to complete it?"

What is the cost of being a disciple of Christ?

I have been wrestling with feeling completely depleted and overwhelmed. I spoke with Marc yesterday and I think my perspective of what I should have and how life should be is different than Gods. When I asked Marc if he was satisfied with our life he said, "I am just thankful to be alive" Wow what a perspective.....I think I need to adjust mine. My Mom was sharing with me about my Dad's recent trip to Honduras. She said the people have hardly anything and they are happy. They are happy.......they don't know what they are missing, they don't know about TV's, entertainment, beautiful kitchens (I am such a girl). They know family, God and working hard.....I guess? So, why am I so upset about not having the things I feel I should have. I have a beautiful home with heat and AC... I have enough food for my children... I have 5 wonderful children... I have wonderful friends in the faith....I have parents and family who love me....we have enough..enough. The other stuff that has been overwhelming my mind....Zaachi's sickness, lack of work, a kitchen with little space and light, a project left undone, unprepared for the baby, Christmas, Marc's health, my children's safety......I place all these things in your hands Lord.....this is not my life or my home or family.....you have given me responsibility of them but they are ALL yours. I choose to change my perspective....I choose to be content in the state I find myself in....I choose to TRUST.

Sacrifice.....when contemplating the call of God, go in with eyes wide open. This is not an easy walk, it requires a cross. I want more than anything to please God and follow his plan for my life....so I will continue this walk....our treasures are in heaven. It is all a matter of perspective. I am blessed and joyful this day, I cast down every negative thought planted by the enemy.

I think it is no coincidence that the last two Sundays I have heard about Job and Daniel, both when given hard, horrendous circumstances.....worshiped....that was their response to it....Worship. So next time you feel the attack of the enemy....fall and worship....worship your maker.

Getting out of the Hospital in hopes that it will be our last stay.

Zaachi and I are sitting in the hospital waiting for the Doc to come and let us go. I asked him to share some things he has learned through this journey.

If you are going through a hard time. Just think of what will happen if you push through this hard time. Keep moving forward, the more forward the newer the day. The more you move forward the more you will heal. Keep your body healthy, eat lots of vegetable and grains and stuff. And don't forget to drink your milk. Words of advice for strong bones.

I have learned that God will be with you wherever you go, God is watching over you, you will always be ok. Everything that happens to you in life is part of God's plan.

Why do you think bad things happen?:
I don't know. Maybe because the enemy wants to destroy us.
Why would he want to do that?:
You know I don't have an answer for every question. I think he wants to destroy us, he wants us to think that God isn't protecting us but someone else is. He wants us to think that that someone else is him (the devil).
The Devil?:
I don't like using the word devil, for some reason that name doesn't go right with me. Out of all the names in the world, why did they pick "devil" to be his name?
What is your first plan of action now that you are done with treatment?:
Humm.....finding out if I am allowed to run and jump again and kick really hard in the pool. Cause then I be able to have even more of a blast. Then I can keep up with Alex, he likes to go go go.

If you are going through a hard time keep moving forward and you will fulfill your dreams.

We have had some wonderful blessings this week. Funding came in for us to build an office space in our center living area of our house. Marc and I came up with and idea to use some old doors in our basement to create a desk top along with some homemade cabinet with the doors on the front. It will be a "door" theme. The hope is to be more organized, create a more efficient space for working and organizing life. Plus we came up with a way to hide all wires for baby safety as well as put all harmful supplies out of reach in the cabinets behind doors for the little hands that are soon to come. Such a miracle, it is such a need for us, but there was no money. God is amazing!

We also had some hard news this week. Marc has been fighting many odd spasms and some joint pain. We went to the Dr. two days ago and they informed us that he has Rheumatoid Arthritis. This was very alarming to us and has forced us to once again reassess how we do life. Marc started a drug regiment at a low dose initially to suppress his immune system. He also will need to start exercising frequently and living a healthier less stressful life. This may be hard considering the situations we can't control that we are in with Z being sick and the upcoming murder trial for the kids mom. With God all things are possible. He has never left us, he has alway upheld us. We will need to continue to strive to lay all things at the Lords feet. With the drugs that he is taking, there is a possibility of the Disease going into remission.

Last night I started feeling some discomfort in my lower abdominals. Dr. said that it may just be some stretching. I will take it easy this weekend and call them if it persist till Monday. Seems like it is one thing after another. Maybe it is an attack, maybe it just "life". Whatever it is or why it is I don't know. I felt tempted this week to be angry toward the Lord. It scared me that these feelings came, but I recognized that every GOOD gift and every PERFECT gift comes from above. So this, whatever it is I will fight as an attack, I will move forward to allow the flames to work good out in me not evil. It is a choice I have, pray that I keep a good attitude.

Something neat that is happening........ A friend of ours Beau, who is seeing our niece Courtney, went on a 6 week missions trip to Zambia. We received a call from him and he had met a friend of mine, Rick McDonald, from Master's Commission in Balt. who is now a missionary in Zambia. They called us together to check on Zaachi and share with us that they were together there and found it interesting that they both knew us. Well, ends up that Beau felt a call of God to return to Africa next year. I chatted with my Aunt Lisa the other night and she too had been in Zambia for awhile on a medical team. I also, got a message from Rick that two missionaries, a married couple, were moving to Bethlehem. The wife is going to be getting her PA in a school near by and they need a church and some connections here. Another friend of our is moving with his family to Cape Town, South Africa. Seems odd all these connections crossing, maybe one day we will end up in Africa or maybe God is showing us a need to pray for all those there. Only God knows, but I enjoy hearing all the exciting news of what God is doing.

Some days....this life is overwhelming, but when you hear the heart beat of a baby or see the world opening up before your children, it makes it worth it. Although sometimes in the moment, raising responsible, loving, God fearing, healthy children seems an impossible task. Oh, God grant me wisdom. I need you soooo much.

Zaachi goes in for his last Chemo next week. They were unable to get him into Ronald McDonald Camp so we will now do CHEMO a week earlier. He didn't call home once while at camp, I take it he is having a blast. He comes home tomorrow. Then on Sunday Jayden turns 16. It's hard to believe, that in two years I will have two kids in college, one in middle school, one in elementary and one still in diapers. The juggling act of trying to reach each child at their different seasons of life is always a challenge, but at least there is never a dull moment. I am always open to advice or suggestions or literature about how to do it better- so keep me in mind;)

Update - July 19th

It has been awhile since my last entry. I think I was just burnt out and too tired and overwhelmed with life…..you ever feel that way? When you probably need friends and fellowship the most, you just shut the world out and try to ride the storm out.



On the bright side, a lot of good things are happening. Xavier got the opportunity to volunteer at Keswick in Massachusetts for the month and we will be going to get him and Jayden this weekend. Keswick is near and dear to our hearts. Marc’s sister, Amanda, used to go to that camp and then after her passing Marc had the opportunity to work there for a few years. A lot of our nieces and nephews have gone to the camp over the years and now our kids have been blessed to be able to attend retreats and camps, which is a miracle. The camp reached out to our kids in times of need and waved fees to ensure they could attend. I don’t know who gives the funds for these scholarships, but we have been very blessed and grateful. This year we definitely did not have the funds but somehow God made a way for Jayden to be there for two weeks. I pray this time has been life changing and exciting for them both.



Zaachi is in his first day of yet another CHEMO week. We will be here till Sat. morning and then we will be back for our final CHEMO week August the 23rd. It appears we will be done with treatment, which feels like “all is well”. Medically, “All is not well” they tell us he still has a far less than 5% chance of making it through, because the cancer typically comes back, however if there is 1% chance, there is still hope. We are going to embrace the life we have and hope and pray that he never has to face this again. I know “God has his hand on this little guy, he is his child, HE always has been.” I will put my trust in him.



My tummy is starting to firm up with the growth our 5th child. Oh, sometimes I feel like it still has not yet sunk in that I am pregnant. I am in my 13th week now. There are still fears that linger in the back of my mind that I must frequently fight, fears of getting my hopes up. But just like Zaachi I have to lay the situation at God’s feet and trust. I go on the 28th to hear the heart beat and I am sure I will feel more at ease after that.



Last week when we dropped Jayden off at Keswick, we stayed with our dear friends, Scott and Martha. I always feel like my brain turns into a sponge when I am there. They are both so good with finance and organization, it inspires me. I observe their methods of saving money and listen for words of wisdom. They are wise over the small things and it makes a big difference. They hang their clothes on the line, have a wood stove, coupon/sale/rebate shop. They are amazing. They pampered us while we were there. One morning Martha and I had pedicures together and it felt so good, I could almost hear the angels sing. Lol! Then that evening I got in their Jacuzzi and soaked for over an hour while finishing a good book. I felt the most relaxed that I felt in a long time. We then went to hang out with friends and family in CT and had a wonderful time. We even brought our nephew home with us till we go back. He is 19 and as geeky as his Uncle Marc. They have had a great time this week, playing board games and playing Frisbee golf. Marc and I will be sad to see him go. He is also really good with kids, Maggie and Zaachi have really enjoyed him as well.



Marc is in the midst of cleaning out our basement today. We had some water in the basement that was causing an odor and mold probably, so he moved things out and put Clorox water on the floors to ensure that nothing was growing. We will be having a yard sale soon! Got to get ride of some of this stuff and simplify life! I am ready to get organized and ready for routine again. Routine went rite out the window when we discovered his cancer again. I miss it and am really excited to get back to normal. We are trying to get Maggie into Head Start for the fall. She has been asking to go to school all summer and I think she is ready and would love it. Plus, when the baby comes, if she is in school the transition will probably easier for her.



Marc is only scheduled for part time work in the fall, but there is a possibility that the funding may come in for full time, which would be perfect. God has always provided what we NEED. I will trust that he again will come through with work for Marc.



So, if anyone would like to visit Zaachi this week we are at LVH on the 4th floor, B wing, room 18.



Thanks for all your prayers and support!



Choosing to trust and obey,



Susie

All day I have been filled with emotion. It's been a day of reflection, exhaustion and wonder. I found out that we have two more Chemo's instead of one. It's like a running a marathon, giving your all thinking the end is close, just to find out you have one more mile. I wondered today, just how tired Zaachi is, how does he feel about all of this? The Dr. spoke so highly of him in wonder of how well he is doing in light of the fact that in the last Month and half, he had two major surgeries and is now in Chemo. Today he walked around handing out Dum Dums to other patients and staff, he seems unaffected however I know he is. Father's Day just past and I know that brings up so many confusing thoughts. He was in tears Sunday and spoke of regret of not treating his father better, he felt that maybe he was the cause of his downward spiral. He was carrying a guilt that somehow he was the cause of his mother's death. I reassured him that often times as parents we feel the pain of hurtful angry words from our children but we are adults and we hurt, but move forward knowing that our kids love us they are just hurting as well. I assured him that he was not at all the cause as I have in times past. I pray he is able to let that go soon. I looked at him today, tired and not really himself, it has been a long few months, but we are almost done. Pray for him, it is a miracle he is sane with the events that have happened over the course of his little life.
I am hopeful. Just a few couple of months ago the clinic introduced us to our hospice nurse and now we seemed to be "out of the woods". I spoke about this to our Dr. and she said that the irony of and aggressive tumor is that the cells divide quickly making the chemo more effective. I asked in tears what she thought would happen from here. She said, "If anyone can beat this, Zaachi can." Zaachi can't but I know God can and I reminded her of how God has moved so miraculously in his and our lives. I want everyone to know, his hand has guided, healed, provided, strengthened.

I feel sick and nothing sounds good, not even Momma's homemade chicken dumplings. This will pass.

Maggie has been fun, yet a little challenging. It is like clockwork...CHEMO = Wild Maggie. Her world isn't right without everyone home. She was so funny yesterday. I was talking with our therapist and I said that something was "Awkward", Maggie said, " "Awkward, with no panties on". RANDOM! We of course laughed and she said, "Awkward, my butt hangin out" the tone was hysterical.
She has been obsessed with the topic of Heaven and Hell. Today she asked if there were bad guys in heaven. I told her that they would all be in hell and we would be safe with Jesus. She really liked this. She said, that Jesus was gonna crush the devil(she had heard this in a worship song). Trying to explain some truths are so hard. When I try I realize how much I depend upon Christianeaze. You can't used that with kids, so one must get creative.

Last night Mercy and Alex, two sweet friends from down the street, came over while their parents attended a Dinner. Mercy is 11 and has such a sweet caring, giving personality. She brought her nail stuff over and gave Maggie her first Pedicure complete with the scrub and massage. Maggie's words were, "This is Amazing". She then asked if she could do mine, I have cute toes at the moment thanks to Mercy. She told me that we need to learn how to make a blanket for the baby since it will be cold when it's born. She is so creative and fun.

Last week I got to sing for the first time at Epic. It has been a year since I regularly led worship. I miss singing, it is such a part of me. Ever since I was a little girl I was singing to Jesus. I am not leading worship but I am enjoying getting to know everyone and harmonizing. Harmonizing is fun to me, my roommates and I in college used to get a kick out of getting three parts going on our way to the cafe. When I visit Kirsten, she and I usually sneak down to the basement for some time of worship at her piano. Such refreshing times. I think that as believers there is such a need for reflection and worship at the alter after hearing the Word. It is the time to allow that seed to get rooted and pray through the STUFF of life that hold s us back. I remember lingering, even as a child till late hours seeking God around the alter. Those were the times that I remember, the CALL, the HEALING, the FILLING. I don't know where I would be without the alter. Humm....Lord revive us. I lay myself, again on the alter. I must take up my cross, DAILY. Stir in me, stir up the gifts that lay dormant inside. I don't know what you want for my life, but I am willing to do what ever it is. Reveal yourself to me.

I really should get to bed. I have a wedding tomorrow, Z still in the hospital, worship practice on Saturday morning, bring Zaachi home, then transport of Xavier to CT., church on Sunday and 4 Dr.s appointments on Monday(2 local & 2 in Philly). I feel overwhelmed thinking about it all. God is good, he will show me how to get it all done, he always does.

BIG NEWs

Zaachi is in Chemo this week at LVH fourth floor room 19. We are counting down the days. We only have 8 days left of chemo till we are completely done with treatment. Looks like all the surgeries were a success and he is healing very quickly and has had an incredible attitude.

The reality is that in most cases the cancer comes back but there are a few stories of it not coming back. We are believing that we are one of those. We are going to embrace each day and celebrate all that we have. Zaachi will finish this round of Chemo on Friday and we will go back for our last 5 days in a couple of weeks.

I have been longing to tell everyone some news for some time now because it was really affecting my life through this last month. I have been feeling sick to my stomach and experiencing some changes in my body. It appears that we are going to be parents to another child sometime in late January! We have had three miscarriages in the past so we decided to keep the news from our kids till we were past the hump. We told the kids on Sunday and Maggie is already talking to my stomach and wondering when it's coming out. I told her it would get cold outside first, we would have Christmas, and then the baby would come. She ran to the window this morning and said sadly, "It's not snowing". This may be a long 7 months. lol

The timing at first was alarming to me, because I lost my last pregnancy during the stress of treatment, yet I am confident that God has a plan in all of this. I have felt incredible peace. Marc and I went for an ultrasound on Monday and it showed a healthy little one with a strong heartbeat.

"Thank you Lord for the gift of life. Help up be faithful over all you have given us."

I am off to the hospital now to be with Zaachi and Maggie for the day. It gets crazy on the floor with Mag there. Some nurses even play hide n seek with her in the halls. Mag actually begs to go to the hospital with her big brother.

Oh, Saturday, Xavier officially graduated and from High School. He already has his schedule for his fall classes at Northampton. Thank you everyone who gave gifts and expressed your love to him.

Jayden is involved in Evangelism this week at City Limits and is have a wonderful time working and giving to others.

One last update. Some things have fell through with Marc's job and we are praying that there will be a way for him to go full time in his current position or for God to open up other doors for income. We are completely open to what God would have us do.

We are even open to relocating if that is what the Lord would have us do. Marc has a passion for kids and outreach, so keep us in prayer about this.

God Bless!

First Day Back

First Day Back
posted by Susan Telesha, Tuesday, June 15, 2010, 9:30 PM

I allowed myself to sleep in today, I felt I really needed it. Then, Mag jumped in bed with me and we went to check on Zaachi and found him in bed singing:) I think he was glad to be home. We all three had breakfast in the backyard and Zaachi and I really enjoyed the new Anti-Gravity Chairs.

Xavier came down and watched the kids while I took a quick shower and then I started cleaning. Lou came soon after and we were all so excitted to see her. Jayden got home from school early today and was relaxing. Lou and I went in the backyard to catch up on each others worlds. Lou is a new friend that we met through Zaachi and she has been so amazing and careing toward us. Lou was so sweet and took Big Bucca for a walk for me. The twins next door, Tommy and Steven (4 years old) were excited to see Maggie back and they played in the pool and sand for hours together. Then Alex and Lisa stopped by for a little while and the boys made plans to hang out again tonight. Mrs. Marks came by with Boston Market Dinner and we were all so thrilled. She is one of Zaachi's Home Bound Teachers and sweet as can be. So, we ate well. Then everyone left and I sat down for about two minutes when, our case worker came to the door and we met for a while. As she was leaving Jon from a few doors down, a 4 year old little guys who speaks very little English, came by to play with Mag. At the same time as he was coming in so was my dear friend Jessica, the one who runs for Zaachi. she had won a gift certificate for shoes in one of her races and bought Zaachi his first pair of running shoes. She couldn't stay long, but the visit was so thoughtful and sweet. Jon left after about 45 min. and I peeled apples and made Apple Crisp - this was relaxing and fun for me.

For dinner I threw the left overs from Boston Market together and made a Garlic oil pasta to go with the chicken and veggies (very easy and good dish). We all cleaned up TOGETHER tonight which is such a blessing.

Alex came over at 8 for a short but wonderful play date. Then Marc and I sat, just sat for 15 min. .......after that I bathed Maggie, checked on the boys as Lisa came to get Alex and so graciously walked the dog for a minute for me. I had put on a movie for Mag and when I went back up to check on her she was sound asleep, all that playing today really wore her out.

I helped Zaachi up to bed. He didn't ask for any pain meds today. I think he is healing nicely. Now I am sitting down, Marc is with a friend watching the game and the older two are at their brother's house eating. It is quiet finally.

Today was a day of fun with friends, I can clean later.

Tomorrow will be full of meetings and at noon I need to take Xavier over for orientation at North Hampton Community College. When we return we will be going to Zaachi's school end of the year, Carnival.

Looks like we will be starting Chemo at some point next week. I will let everyone know the details ASAP. Marc will be working all week. If anyone wants to take Mag for a play date or sit with Z for awhile, let me know.

A Huge Turn Around!

A huge Turn Around!
posted by Susan Telesha, Monday, June 14, 2010, 7:45 PM
Today is Monday, and I am sitting in my amazing Sleep Select bed relaxing as I write this blog. Just two days ago I thought I would be sitting with Z still in the hospital. Sunday, the Doc.s came and and started messing with Zaachi's drain hose and they discovered that he did not in fact have a leak in his lung, but a leak in the line. So they pulled the last tube yesterday and he took a walk, They took another xray and decided that he was ready to go home. He walked steps for PT and that was the final challenge. Before leaving me met a young man that just started his battle with Osteo Sarcoma in Feb. He just had his leg surgery and Zaachi was able to meet him and show him what the lung surgery will look like. My heart hurt as I look upon this young athlete crippled with the scares of cancer, know that hard days were yet to come for him. He had so many questions, the most pressing of which was "When does the pain stop?" Oh, Lord be with this family. They asked how Marc and I were holding up, we said, "Much like yourselves, you just keep going, you just pray and do what you can do." I got to pray with this family and we will try to keep up with them through their journey. So many hurting families .......it is overwhelming the pain, emotional and physical, that is encased in that hospital on any given day.

Today I rejoice, Thank You Kathie Brand for the amazing Pizza tonight.. I hadn't looked on the site since my last post and I was so relieved when we got home that I didn't have to quickly make dinner for the kids. We sat in the backyard catching up and eating pizza.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers, this next few weeks will be hard for our little guys but he is well on his way. He is still very fragel and needs much care, but he is home and feeling better every day.

I was contacted the other day by Sarah Martin of the Iron Pigs and she informed me that Zaachi had been nominated and selected as a top 5 All Star for the Iron Pigs. Soon The Morning Call will have a write up in the paper and everyone can vote online for the #1 All Star. If he wins he will be honored as well as have his own Trading Baseball Card. We are proud of him and he is a Brave All Star in my eyes. I will keep you posted as to when you can vote.

Good Night from the loud crazy wonderful Telesha House!

A long Journey

Today is Saturday and Zaachi had his right lung drain removed today, but they have yet to be able to do the same on the right side. It is taking longer for it to heal up the hole on the right side. So, with this situation he will need to be here till it properly heals which could take a long time or just a few days. We may be here all this week or just Tuesday or Wed.

The plan is for Marc to go home tomorrow evening with the kids. Xavier has an exam on Monday and Jayden has exams all week till noon and Marc needs to work most of the week to make up for missing this past week. I am going to stay with Zaachi and Marc is taking Mag with him. Looks like a friend can stay with Mag on Monday till the kids get home. If anyone would like to help out with Mag or make dinners for my family any help would be appreciated. We really thought we would be home by Sunday night or Monday morning, but now we are trying to just roll with things. Everyone has been so helpful, thanks so much.

I am sitting with Zaachi playing Peggle at the moment. He slept for a few hours this afternoon, so now he is up an happy and ready to play. He ate a whole double cheeze burger tonight, so the appetite may be coming back. I feel so drained this journey, I have been feeling sick. I wish my Mom didn't live so far:( But the Lord never gives one more than they can handle so.....just keep truckin. The other day I got a call from Beau, a friend of the family. He called me from Africa. He is on a 6 week missions trip and he was in Zambia. It was hard to hear him and there was a delay but he called to tell me he had met someone in Zambia who knew me,....Rick McDonald, and old friend from Master's Commission days. He is doing missions work there. How crazy two of my friends meeting each other in Zambia and calling me on a hard day. They both wanted to know how Zaachi was, people are even praying in Africa.

I met a sweet family the other night at the Ronald McDonald House, they came all the way from Mississippi. They have a two year old son who had heart surgery yesterday. His third and final one they hope. He was born with a heart defect that causes the blood to go almost backwards. It goes to the wrong organs first. So, there is a series of three surgeries to correct this. Maggie was playing with him the other night before the surgery and I told her that his heart wasn't working right and that is was going the wrong way. I explained that he would also be in the hospital like Zaachi. The next day she wasn't feeling well and she said, "Mom I need to go to the hospital, my hearts not working right, it's going around my back" as she reached her arms behind her back trying to point to the location. LOL! I told the Turner family and we all got a good laugh. Yesterday, he had surgery and Mag found a little dog in the give away box of the Ronald McDonald Room and she gave it to his Mom and Dad to give to him. She is growing and learning so much and making me laugh a lot in the process.

Zaachi and I are sitting talking about inventions, saving the world, preaching the word, everyday miracles and family. Sometimes I think he teaches more than I teach him.

I should sleep....but I wanted everyone to know what was happening. He did get a bunch of card in the last few day. Keep them coming, he loves them. He laughed at the one from Matt and Amber Fancher today, they said that they thought of him when they were in Disney this past week, every time they saw a picture of Snow White.

TO SEND A CARD: Go to the CHOP web site and put in his name ZAACHI ISLEY, Floor and room # 4S 16

God is faithful, and as one parent said to me today, We have to look at life from a different perspective as believers, look at it in God's eyes. One book title I remember from when I was a kid was, Living Life In The Light of Eternity. We are not of this world just as He was not of this world. I realized the other day at a Block party our church put on that, I get so caught up with my life, my family, my needs that I fail to see God's hand guiding me to help or witness to another. I saw a family that I had known on a professional level that had had a bad past but they have changed so much with the resources they have been given from the community. Here they were at the Block Party and I was there in a non professional role and I totally missed the opportunity to give them the best resource of all, a life with Christ. We shared small talk and then when I went to leave I realized what I had missed. Lord, I pray I get an opportunity again to share you with them.
I need to "Open Your Eyes to the World all Around You" as Keith Green's song says. Open my eyes, open my eyes Lord.
Goodnight, Friends. Sorry it's been so long since I updated you on things, I think I was just down for awhile, plus it takes a week and a half to two week to get back to normal after being in the hospital for awhile.

Today is lung surgery

Today is Zaachi's lung surgery and Marc and I are sitting here in the Pre-Op room waiting. Zaachi is playing a DSI and enjoying himself. It is hard to believe that this is his fourth major surgery in the last two years. Today the Dr. is going to go in through his chest and feel through his entire lungs in search of the known tumors as well as any that may have not shown up on the scan, he is also going to take out all the scare tissue from the last surgery.

After this we will have two more chemos and then we will wait and pray that it never comes back again. God is faithful even through this, he has shown himself might and awesome to us.

Zaachi will be in great pain after the surgery for a few days, so please pray for him as he heals. We will be at CHOP for a few days. I will post his room # as soon as we know, because your can send him e-cards from the CHOP web site.

Gotta Go, Giggle juice is here. Won't be long now.

Update

Zaachi had a successful leg surgery on Tuesday,the cancer was taken out and part of his femur and his knee were replaced.

We had hoped to leave the hospital today but his pain was still too great to manage at home. We are hopeful for tomorrow to get him home. I think he will do better at home where his friends can come by and be with him. We meet with the lung surgeon on Monday to discuss the removal of the tumors in his lungs. We hope to get a date on the calendar soon.
Yesterday Xavier turned 18, WOW! He has so much going on right now with graduation coming up, getting his license, trying to by a car, college......I am so proud of the young man he is. I know that God has a plan for his life. He told us that he wants to be an Emotional Support Teacher.
Yesterday was an emotional day because I wanted to be with him but could only see him briefly because I needed to get back to Zaachi and Marc. I think I was on the verge of tears all day. So many things on my mind with all the kids going through each of their own struggles and feeling torn back and forth with Zaachi in the hospital. Marc and I have a system - we alternate staying with Z for a 12 to 24 hours, while the other holds the fort at home. Being in Philly makes it a little more difficult because one of us is with Mag and the other is with Z and the older two are mostly on their own. Poor Jayden is probably feeling left out, Xavier is graduating and had a birthday (Party is on Sunday at 6pm at our house), Z is in the hospital, Mag requires a lot of care due to her age and then there is Jay. I tried to let her know how much I miss her. I think all six of us struggle emotionally when our normal routine is disrupted by the urgency and the seriousness of Zaachi's condition, which requires us to be at the hospital a lot.
I took Mag to the Please Touch Museum today and she loved it, I only wish I were more energetic with her. She was in the shopping area and peed herself. I told a staff that we had a, "clean up on ail four". Kids must do that a lot because he didn't hardly even react. Oh, I must tell you what she said yesterday. Maggie and I were in the van and she said, "My butts getting out, Mom. My butts getting out." She was moving around in her buster seat (just graduated into it last week). I tried to figure out what she was saying or talking about. I said, what is wrong with your butt and she told me that her pants were too big and now her butts getting out. Her pants had come down some when she had sat down in her seat. I thought that was so funny. She also told me that she didn't want me to drive, she wanted Daddy to drive because he drives better.

I should go to sleep now, I have been feeling so drained this week physically and emotionally. I had hoped to take Maggie to a free Lori Burkner concert tomorrow for her Birthday but we will have to see how Z is doing. Marc is in Allentown tonight with Mag and Jay. He is playing in a golf tornament with Mr. Kerns at 8 am. The tornament is to raise funds for the school and also to help with Zaachi's needs. We had hoped to take Zaachi but there is no way we will be home in time. I just hope we get home in time to go to the store and get everything for Xavier's Party. LOL! Crazy, this life, but I love it.
Zaachi said to tell everyone that he misses them and hopes that he can come visit soon and Goodnight.

Moved by the Spirit.

Today when I was running my children around due to various physical problems my dear friend reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle for their lives. Three of my kids are going through physical challenges as of late. I must pray because I know that God has a call on all of their lives and that there is a real devil, seeking whom he may devour. "Lord cover them, put a hedge about them of your presence, of your healing physically and emotionally and spiritually. Stir in their hearts oh God."

So, tonight I put Mag and Zaachi to bed and began to pray. I realize that I was just going through the motions and "checked myself" and adjusted and began to focus and really pray. I prayed out loud for some time in the hallway, I could hear Mag snore and than I heard Z coming toward me. He held me around my waist and we agreed in prayer together. He would say, "Yes Lord." Then, when I concluded he asked me what language I was speaking and I had the joy of sharing with him about the GIFT of the Holy Spirit. My heart was warmed when he said, "Is that where they have cloves of fire on their heads?" I was shocked, but he said he read it in his Picture Bible and reminded me that he had read the whole thing. This was a sweet moment. We both sat down on the steps and chatted about how God was so good. He said, "I think the Holy Spirit has almost all of my body, like three fourths or something." He was talking with such excitement and joy.
God has and will continue to heal his little heart. I remember a time when he couldn't go a day without emotionally crumbling at least 2 or 3 times. His little heart was so broken he wanted to die. He LIVES today, He LAUGHS, He PLAYS, He LOVES and is MOVING FORWARD.

In his counseling session today he wrote a letter that he shared with Marc and I. His letter was to the judge, he said that he wants Marc and I to adopt him. Our hearts were joyed that he clearly wants us and is allowing himself to be happy and attach to us. That can often take years and it has been nearly 2 years since they found his cancer and allowed us to take him. God has used him to change our lives. EACH of our children have changed our lives in sooo many different ways. I am excited to see what they grow up to be and do. Thank you Lord for the joy of Motherhood.

Balancing

There is an obstacle that is very important to balance when one child is sick. I must find ways, as much as possible, to make sure ALL the children feel loved and supportive, while also taking care of the needs of Zaachi. This is no easy task, especially since Jayden and Xavier are also grieving the loss of their mother and have been through so much growing up. I know so often I don't do this balancing act very well. Not only do I need to be there for them, I also need to make sure that I am working on Marc and I's relationship, not to mention, trying to stay sane myself. Oh, I am getting tired thinking of it. I have been so blessed, I want to be faithful over those blessings. This morning Jay and I talked a little. I often like it when she needs me, I loved doing her hair for her special day today. Last night Xavier went to leave to spend the night with his brother and he asked me to give him a hug and kiss, my heart melted. I am so proud of him, he is such an amazing young man, in just a few weeks he will be officially an adult. He is talking about writing a book about his life, but he said he should wait till he is a success. In my book he is a success! I told him he should start writing now. I get emotional thinking about letting him fly. I know he will do well, I don't have a fear of that, but letting go is hard. I hope he decides to stay at home and go to school. I don't just love him, I like him! I believe that he will be not only our son as he grows but also a friend. I love that!

Maggie doesn't feel too well today, I think allergies are bothering her. Marc is with Z and I am gonna go there around 11 to switch out with Marc. I want to make sure I get to Bethlehem for Dereks Bone Marrow Drive today. We met Derek at the hospital, he is 20 and also a believer. His brother was tested and wasn't a match, so we need a match. If anyone want to go, please do! It is from 1 - 4 at

First Presbyterian Church of BethlehemStreet: 2344 Center StreetCity/Town: Bethlehem, PA.

Lord help me show all my kids and husband how much I love them. I need time with you, you help me think focus and bring such joy. I love you Lord and thank you for my many blessings.

.

CRAZY NICE PEOPLE

Before I tell you about the crazy, nice people

I must first tell you that we came home from Fl. on Friday the 23rd. The next morning was community clean up day. Lisa and I helped plant two tree at McKinley where our kids attend. Then we got a bunch of kids together from the neighborhood and picked up trash. Soon after, Marc and I took Zaachi, Alex and Maggie to a kids race down town. We were all so tired that we abandoned cooking and ate Chinese together.

Sunday came and our friend Jessica Brock was running a 1/2 marathon for Zaachi. We headed the two little ones out at 8am and hunted her down on her course. We got to see her twice and Zaachi got to give her a high five. She ran with his pictures on her shirt and the scripture he has stood on, Jeremiah 29:11. She said that she started praying for Zaachi every time she would train and God ended up transforming her in the process as well. Isn't is beautiful how prayer can happen anywhere. She said she doesn't need any music while running because God always has a song in her head when she runs. She ran with an injury and still did between 7 and 8 min. miles. She text me that she was going to visit soon and give Zaachi her medal.

After hunting her down, we went to church and Lisa, Mercy and Alex (Zaachi's best buddy) came to be with us when our church laid hands on Zaachi to pray for him before his big surgery.

Pastor Rob spoke an awesome message and then had Zaachi come up for prayer. I think we had been good at putting all the reality of what lies ahead, out of our mind, while we were gone, but during that prayer it all came rushing in. When we concluded the prayer, Zaachi said, "Susie, I heard you crying." I told him that it's ok to cry. He looked a little scared and told us, "I wish this never happened to me." None of us really knew what to say, but someone asked him to sing. He sang, I know the plan by Martha Munizzi and he really ministered to the congregation. I stood there thinking, Lord, if you heal him, I think he will end up being a preacher". Today, Rob emailed me that so many people were moved and touched by God through his song. He told Lori, his Sunday School teacher that he didn't want to die. Marc and I were blessed, there was a time when he had lost his fight and he wanted to die. It is good to see that he wants to live and that he is finally able to enjoy life again. He has been a happier kid than I have ever know him to be these last two months. God is doing a work in his little heart and I also believe, in his body.

On Monday we went to Philly and got ready for surgery, blood work, MRI and so on. We met to Dr. Dorman's, our surgeon and he was floored by how well Zaachi was doing. He said that when he had seen him a month ago , he really didn't think he would be able to save his leg. After looking at him on Monday he felt confident that he could save it.

We met up with Jay and Xavier at Aunt Joie's house and we had dinner together. Aunt Joie is my cousin's aunt but she lives in Philly and we have gotten really close over the years. She and her friends always bring us great joy. Then, we traveled to Luis and Kirsten's house in Ben Salem to spend the night. Luis and Kirsten pastor in North East Philly now but we become friends at City Limits Church, where they used to be on staff. We left the kids with them while we took Zaachi in for surgery on Tuesday morning. We were at the hospital at 9:45, ready to go but the Dr. didn't come in till 3:30pm. We noticed a rash and brought it to his attention and he thought it would be best to wait, do CHEMO to keep the cancer from growing, while we treated the rash and then do surgery in about 3 weeks. We all felt very anxious after it was canceled because we had prepared for so long for the surgery. We relaxed with Kirsten and Luis and enjoyed some good food. We got home late, then went in for Chemo by noon on Wed.

Today is Friday and this is where I talk about the CRAZY NICE PEOPLE. We have had the wonderful blessing of many friends coming by to work on our yard. Our neighbor and new friend, Lisa started a project. She saw how much Zaachi and Maggie loved the back yard, but it was a big dirt pit. She asked her friend Christian Brown to look at it and give us some suggestions. After looking at it he made up plans for the yard and thought he could get much of the supplies donated. We were floored by all the kindness. Lisa took it from there and I don't even know who all are involved, but I am blessed. Tonight they got the last of the pavers in and most of the wall is done. It was even on the fox 69 news. To all who were involved, I think Zaachi, Maggie, Jayden and Xavier will spend much of their summer out there, it is an oasis and we thank you for giving.

I feel a bit frazzled and unfocused by all the events of the last two weeks. I could write several pages of amazing things that have happened. I am overjoyed and feel loved and supported, Thank You Friends. I must 'hit the hey', I have to get up at 6am and do Jayden's hair for Upward Bound. Xavier has a wrestling Tournament at Deiruff High School at 11am and then at 1 we are going to a bone marrow drive for our new friend Derek. Plus, Zaachi is still in the hospital getting CHEMO. Not sure how it will all play out but it will be an eventful day, I am sure.

Hello from Rainy Fl.!
We arrived in Fl. on Sat. afternoon and enjoyed our first evening at our resort, Give Kids The World. This place is amazing, they have 8,000 volunteers and wonderful amenities. This place is vacation in and of it's self. They drop off gifts each morning for the kids, have ice cream from 7:30 am - 9pm, they have horse back riding and the characters come and meet and greet each morning. They will even have two characters, Mayor Clayton and his wife come to your villa and tuck your kids in at night. We are overwhelmed with joy and excitement.

On Sunday we headed out to the Animal Kingdom and went on a Safari, saw lots of animals and then headed up Mt. Everest to face the Yeti. We have laughed and cried in joy. Last night we went to the Magic Kingdom and saw the fireworks and light parade. We were there till after 11pm and Marc and I didn't get to bed till around 2am. So this morning we slept in till around 10. The kids really needed it. Then we ate lunch and went to the Magic Kingdom. We watched the princesses dance, we rode lots of rides and then on our way through the castle we were talking about the restaurants inside and we decided to try and see if we could get in. I had tried to make reservations but there were no openings online. We took a chance and just asked. THEY HAD AN OPENING! We all got to dine a the THE ROYAL TABLE, we had our own personal photo shoot with Cinderella and then four other princesses came around to our tables and spent time talking with the kids and taking pictures. Zaachi didn't want to wash his face tonight because he had red lips on his cheek from Snow White. Xavier was disappointed he didn't get a kiss, he only got a side hug. LOL!
So many people have gone over and above for Zaachi, it blows my mind. Xavier said today that he was amazed at how many nice people there are.
Speaking of nice people, many of you have helped with our backyard and some even gave funds for extra money for the trip and we are at a loss for words. I can't express how we feel but we really feel, LOVED and SUPPORTED! Thank you for pouring love on our little man and ALL of our kids. Sins of others has made life difficult for our kids, not to mention the reality of our mortality that we experience with Zaachi each day, but God has not allowed the circumstances to overwhelm or destroy them, he has help them through it and made them even stronger and more reliant on him. God has used each of you to help do that. It takes a community to raise a child and we are so glad you are a part of ours.

Susie

LOVE ya all:)

More miracles!

Today we received a gift from Patti Vasick's Sunday School class at Trinity A/G in Fairmont WV. I attended Trinity when I was in college and was involved alot during that time.
I am overwhelmed with the generosity that this class showed to us. I don't even know what to say, but "miracles do happen". I try to write them in my blog as they come, but these days I can hardly keep up. We leave on Saturday and Zaachi is doing better than EVER emotionally, he is feeling the best he has felt since Aug. 2008. When I look at him it is hard to believe that he is so sick, but maybe he isn't. God could be doing a healing work inside of him that we won't see till more scans and tests are taken.
God bless you! God bless everyone what was involved in this wonderful gift.

Last night we went to the Opening Game of the Iron Pigs. The kids had a blast. Actually it is a little past 10am now and both Mag and Zaachi are still asleep. Going to the game was also a miracle. We couldn't have afforded that, but someone gave us tickets and invited us. All around us we are seeing God's hand at work.

Miracles are happening!

I am so excitted to inform everyone that Christian Brown, a landscaper, looked at our back yard and has drawn up plans to make it amazing. Zaachi has been really enjoying the back yard but it is muddy when it rains and in need of some modifications. Christian has gathered rescources to be able to do a renovation as a blessing from our community. Lisa Pawlowski introduced us to Christian and is also taking part in the project. She wanted me to let everyone know what is happening and see if anyone else would like to help by getting involved. Christian asked Marc and I yesterday if he could do the work while we are gone for the next couple of week. This would provide Zaachi with a space to enjoy when he gets back from his leg surgery in erly May. This is such a miracle, because as all of you know we are not in any finacial place to do such an amazing thing. If you want to be involved you can contact Lisa Pawlowski on this site for information.

Also, I took Jayden and Xavier to the Dr. yesterday and they are going to do a few more tests on Xavier but said that the blood results were not alarming to them. Jayden just needs to take iron pills and she should be getting better. PRAISE THE LORD!

As for Marc, he is working now and is feeling much better.Zaachi had blood work done and his counts are great for the trip.

Love you all! Thanks for the Prayers!

Need more prayer...

I feel like the neediest person alive. I am always asking for prayer.....but I need it. Is this normal? Is this a season? I hope so because seasons eventually change. Xavier's immune system appears shot after looking at a recent blood test. Jayden is anemic and her white blood count is low as well. I am taking them both to the Dr. on Tuesday. Marc is on his back with back spasms that not even heavy meds are taking care of. Zaachi......well we need a miracle. We leave on Saturday for Disney! I have so much to do since Marc can't really help me out much.

We have a lot of finace stuff we are trying to work out since Marc will be without work of 6 weeks. The good news is that when he returns to work, he will be full time, with benefits. My wonderful friend Jessica is going to pick up Maggie at noon tomorrow and take her to their house to play. Then we are gonna hang out with them over dinner and also pick their brains concerning planning for Disney. So much to do, so little time....God will provide....He always does. I just need to continue to remind myself that he is taking care of things (you would have thought I would have learned this by now). Zaachi started looking through a Disney planning book tonight, he decided that he definitely wants to eat a Turkey Leg and some Dino place and he wants to have blue Italian ice from Italy and poop blue. Maggie wants to dine with the princesses. I think our only frustration will be a lack of time to do all that we want to do. God is so good. If anyone would want to watch Maggie for a few hours this week, I would appreciate it. I get so much more done when I am not distracted. I think I have Adult ADD, so if I am distracted it takes me forever to do things.

Thanks for all the Prayers,

Susie

Water does a world of good.

Zaachi has had an amazing few days. I would say that these last few days or so may have been the Happiest days ever since we have had Zaachi in our care. He has played Nerf guns with neighborhood friends, he has roasted Marshmallows and hot dogs, he has gone to the Zoo and walked around in the stream skipping rocks. It has been wonderful. I went yesterday to the Chemo Circus at the clinic with Mag and Zaachi. He had blood work done and I found that his hemoglobin was 7.7. He needs a transfusion (we go in Friday morning for that). Normally he would sleep all day in this condition, but something is different. Zaachi is on fluids all through the night to help him stay hydrated and Marc and I have been pushing fluids all through the day (he forgets to drink). He has been a different kid, he has had soooo much energy. It is amazing what some water can do. Same with us, we need water and we need water from the well that doesn't run dry. So, today I will drink more water, less coffee and seek God more. I think I will be off to a great start.

Drink UP!

Please Pray for Marc, he is at the ER now with horrible muscle spasms in his back.

One more thing...

A few days ago I sat at the computer looking at our bank account and cried. Marc started doing taxes and was so upset, but by the end of the day we weren't over-drafted after all and we actually will get a tax return. WHY DO I EVER WORRY? God is in control. I grabbed my honey, made him look me in the eyes and I showed him my engagement ring (which was a miracle) . I remember driving back from the jewelers 7 years ago and Marc said that my engagement ring would serve as a reminder that God provides and we must trust and obey, he will take care of the rest. So, we reviewed our lives....Are we in God's will?.....Are we sacrificing our lives to further his kingdom?......Are we growing?.......Yes we may fail at many parts of our walk with Christ....but we are still trying. God has been and will always be faithful!

So, once again I remind myself that worry and fear is a lack of faith and probably a sin, I choose to trust, trust that he sees the big picture, he sees the forest, while I may only see the trees. Sometimes I should close my eyes and stop looking obstacle and allow God to show me the BIG PICTURE and how he will be glorified in all my obstacle. Without an impossible situation, one can't see a miracle.

The Sun is Setting.

I see spots from trying to look at the sunset before it is just right. I am in the hospital with Zaachi and he has been playing with his friend Alex all day. I am sleepy and feel a bit anxious today. Trying to organize life and everyones schedules is not an easy thing for me. I feel like my head is swimming. Now, the sun is gone and the sky is lite up with beautiful yellow and blues. Tomorrow is going to be a nice day I heard.

So the update on Zaachi is that he is in the hospital till the 3rd of April. Then next Tuesday his immune system will bottom out for about a week. So, we will be home a lot. Then, on the 16th we will head to Philly and prepare to depart for Fl. the next morning. We will be in Fl. on his Make-A-Wish till the 23rd. Then on the 26th we go to Philly for an MRI and then surgery is on the 27th. The Dr. is gonna try to save Zaachi's leg, but if there is not enough good tissue they will need to amputate. Around a month after the surgery we will go for lung surgery to remove the small tumors in his lungs. Thanks again for all the prays and support. We are so blessed!

Sometimes when we try to figure thing out on our own we just get annoying spots. But just like the Sunset, in it's perfect timing it is beautiful and clear. Sometimes in the journey I want to look ahead, I want to know what is next, I want to know how to plan, but just like the sunset we can only really see it when it is time. I need to relax and realize that God has always provided, he has never given us more than we can bare, and he has always been with us.

Cherish the sunset, for it is fleeting. Our lives are fleeting,... There is a race to be run and at the finish we will receive our reward. I have often thought that even if there were no hell to be feared or heaven to be won, I would live just as I do. I am never alone, I am held by Him, I have purpose in him....
Christ ministered to whoever was in front of him, don't get to busy that you don't see the opportunity's to love, to embrace, to cherish who is in front of you at the moment. There are souls that need that love, time is short, the sunset is almost over. Today I choose to change yet again, today I will try to embrace today, tomorrow..... I will face .......tomorrow. Today has enough worries of it's own.

My Son. FUNNY son.

Messy Maggie. She loves playing in the dirt. I think it is the WV in her.

This is Zennia. She is Jayden's Bestie. We call her our own as well.

Beauty along the way. My friend Lisa and her family gave us beautiful Tulips. I had them on the dinning room table. Over the weekend I came down one morning and found the tulips glowing with a beam of natural light from the kitchen window. I tried to capture the beauty.

Just another day in the Park. We have our devos on Sunday in the Park since Zaachi couldn't be around a lot of people. We saw three horses. We love Lehigh Valley Parkway.

My goofy kids, Xavier and Jayden.

Our Family

Fear?

"The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom". These days a reality that I may have been unaware of has become evident. I am not in control and nothing is stable, except GOD. I fear him, I am reminded of the line in the Lion, Witch and Wardrobe. Lucy was watching Aslan walk away and it was said, "He's not safe, but he is good."

This life is not safe in some ways, but NOTHING can separate us from God. Spiritually we are safe, but physically we all have a burden to bare, a thorn so to speak. These weaknesses keep us on our knees.

I looked into the tear flooded eyes of my beautiful daughter as she expressed the pain of struggle. I so wanted to fix it for her, I wanted to erase the pain, I wanted to make it all better. But I can't, I don't obtained the power to do so. God does, but I told her how Paul struggled and it kept him dependent on God. If we felt we could do it all on our own, would be cling to him? I venture to think, I would be far from him, sad to say. I struggle, we all struggle, thank God we struggle. Keep me close Lord.

I welcome apprehensively, the "fear" I sense. Not fear like I have known before but a reverence a reality that HE CAN DO ANYTHING, he holds me. I am just a speck, my life a vapor. He is to be feared and revered. I never understood and I am sure that I still do not understand fully, "working out my salvation in fear and trembling". Today I walk forward, blind to my future or that of those around me, but confident that if I hold on to him and be obedient, my ultimate destiny is secure. "NOTHING can separate us from the Love of God."

I will try to reference all the scriptures that this is based on. I praise God that my parents from a young age and myself as a young adult memorized many scriptures and they are just a part of my thinking, however my lack of attention to detail leaves me blank as to where they are located in the WORD. OPPS.. another struggle.

Zaachi's Blog 3-22-10

Topic: Art

"Good Morning"

"How are you doin?"

"Lately I have been doing some art. I have been trying to paint and nail together wood. So, if you want to give me some tips, please do. I am not very experienced. Now, I am starting to paint a bird house. It's gonna be made of three colors, red, blue and yellow. And I am thinking of nailing a piece of wood, you know a long piece, and I'm gonna nail it there and then I'm gonna nail it to a tree. "

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WEEK?

"I have been spending a lot of my time outside, whether I am just out there enjoying the weather or doing something else, or taking a walk. But I do have a passion for art. So, I've been going outside and doing some construction work that includes art.

HAVE ANY FRIEND COME TO VISIT?

"Yes, my friend Alex and Godrick and Mathew."

WHAT have you been doing?

"Oh, we have just been hanging out. We played army men with Alex. Goodbye."

3-14-10 - Trust

Both kids are asleep as should I be. Yes, Maggie is staying over with me tonight in the hospital with Zaachi. We came around 2pm and she did very well until it was time to go to sleep. She was really pushing buttons.....grrr. She was being a typical 3 year old. Zaachi was having some stomach discomfort but seems to be resting well now. I am trying to keep all these communications sites up to date so that all our wonderful friends and family are informed. Today Xavier, Maggie and I went to church and during worship I couldn't hold back the tears. It didn't help that the guy who was leading worship reminds me of my baby brother, whom I miss a lot rite now. But it is helpful to cry, there is such a release. The kids are fighting with feeling down and overwhelmed, but we are trying to hold them as close as we can. God has been faithful and has provided a way for them to go to a weekend retreat with North East Assembly. Our friends Luis and Kirsten pastor there and their church has been so embracing in the past few years. Kirsten and Luis have been a "landing pad" when we have been in Philly at CHOP. What amazing people, they love us, but what really blesses us is that they love our kids as much, if not even more.
Looks like we will also be able to send Xavier to Convention. God sees all of their hurts and is providing encouragement for all of them. We are trying to make everyone's rooms nice so that during this journey they have a nice place to retreat to when needed and feel comfortable.

Today a few people from Epic came to visit as well as Zaachi's PT. Then this evening Mrs. Heidi came baring video games and more Pop Tarts. Grandma Eve and Pop Pop Pop Tart also brought a few meals and a HUGE box of Pop Tarts. We have a large variety at this point.LOL SO much love!!!!! My kids and Marc and I feel so embraced......... God is faithful. I write all this because I want all to see God's hand is at work. I don't believe for one moment that God did this to Zaachi, I believe we all have frailties in our bodies due to the fall. Things like this are inevitable but he is a healer, he is a provider and is our Savior. Now, he can take what life has in motion and turn it around and use it to make us stronger, or heal us. But I will trust....trust that he will walk with Zaachi. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. I pray that it is in his will to give my son a long life, but I know that all of our days are numbered and again......I must trust. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than mine.

Good night.....Trust....just trust and obey.

The quiet

Thank God for YOU!

posted by Susan Telesha, Saturday, March 13, 2010, 8:15 PM

Today has been a busy day but a wonderful day. A new friend came over and hung things in Zaachi and Jayden's room. This person also made us dinner and has taken her son over to play with Zaachi in the hospital three days in a row. I am so blessed to live in such a caring community. Zaachi's Principle was over for awhile this morning and may bring some students over to visit after school on Tuesday. I should have a guest list. So many have gone over and loved on our little man. i spoke with Doug and Linda Sheriff today and told them of how Zaachi wants to raise money to buy XBox 360's for the peds unite at the hospital. They came up the an idea to help him fulfill his goal. They were so kind.

Marc officially has the floor down and everything is in his new room but his bed. Another friend said that they have a hospital bed that Zaachi can have. Also, The Allentown DA office gave Zaachi $500.00 and Angel 34 gave him $250 so Marc is on the search for a lap top and a flat screen. His room is gonna be so comfortable for him. Today we thought he might start feeling sick from the chemo but he was fine. PRAISE THE LORD. He actually has gained a few pounds since he went in on Thursday.

Tomorrow I need to dust and finish the carpet in Maggie's room and somehow get the hospital bed in. Then we will be ready for his return home. I couldn't have done it without everyone's wonderful help this past week. Thank You!

I am really tired but I am enjoying a few minutes alone. Mag fell asleep on the way home from dropping Jayden at a friends house. I enjoyed the ride back to the house just sitting in the quiet. I feel like I talk all day coordinating life and making sure everyone is informed. I thought of calling several people, but I think it was out of habit. I need to embrace the quiet instead of hurrying to do something to fill the void. The only thing that truly fills me is quiet, worship, journaling and talking to him. So with that I will go. I have caught everyone up enough for now. God bless and don't avoid the quiet, it gives opportunity for him to speak and be heard. Edit

The only thing that doesn't change is that everything changes

This has been the week of changes.

• Last Wed I found out that we were going to go to Disney early (from the 10th to the 18th).
• Thursday we found out that we weren't going to go to Disney but would have surgery instead.
• They were hoping to do surgery the 10th or 11th so we made plans accordingly
• Monday we met as a family to talk to the Dr.'s about the diagnosis and treatment.
  
• Tuesday we found out that surgery was gonna be a week later than we thought, on the 17th.
  
• Wed. the 10th I found out that his tumor is growing too fast, they are gonna delay the surgery and do a round of chemo first.
• Today I sit waiting for a call to tell me when we are starting the chemo

This is hard to keep up with. I am trying to keep everyone informed, plan for what's about to happen or rather what "I think" is about to happen, keep up daily tasks, finish rearranging and cleaning, making sure the kids have time to talk and be with us and also do stuff to where he can enjoy his day. I need help. I feel completely overwhelmed by all of this.
If anyone has time and would want to help let me know

• play with the kids, Zaachi is home from school due to the situation
  
• help organize
  
• help make things as sterile as possible for him
• help Marc finish up the flooring in Zaachi's new room
• Make a meal
• clean
• baby sit Mag and Zaachi so that Marc and I have a moment together
  

We need help and realize we can't do this on our own. Our families both live far away. So if God lays something on your heart we are open to help.

Later

I didn't post this right away because I feel weird asking for help. I talked with Grandma Eve (Eve Yocum) and she convinced me that others want to be involved and need direction. So, I am posting this. Zaachi is in the hospital starting chemo, Marc is with him now and I will go over this evening to stay for the night. We rotate in and out so that one is at home and one is with him. If you would like to visit him he is at LVH Ceder Crest, go in the main entrance and go straight to the front elevators and to the 3rd floor. Turn right and keep taking rights till you see the doors with the Murial on them. Go to the door and ask for him and they will direct you to his room. If you are sick please do not go on the floor.

Thanks Friends,

Susie

Why do we try to hold on so tightly.

I have little motivation today. We met with the Dr.s yesterday. They confirmed that Zaachi does have cancer in his right leg and his lungs. They told us that the best thing is to get it out. So we are having surgery at CHOP on Wed. the 17th for a partial femur and full knee replacement. Then before they we leave we will also have the lung surgery. They said he may be cancer free for a few years, but it nearly always comes back and there is nothing they can do.
All this is hard to take.

Zaachi's Blog 3-9-10

"Good Evening, How's it doin?"

How are you feeling?

"Goofy and good, happy."

So what did the Dr.'s say is going on in your body?

"It's cancer again and they said that they are gonna talk to Dr. Mata about the lung surgery. They are probably gonna do the lung surgery going through my chest. So they can feel around in my lungs to see if there are any little bits of cancer that are hidden or as we like to call them, boogers. "

So, how does all this new news make you feel?

"Makes me feel depressed that this had to happen again."

Do you believe that God can heal?

"Yes, I do believe that God can heal."

Tell them about the Lemonade Stand idea.

"Well, I thought I should start a Lemonade stand to help raise money for the hospital and the clinic."

"Good night everybody. Keep praying."

Much accomplished today, yet much still to do

Today I saw Jesus. I saw him in the lives of Tammy Kissel, Dec. Liz, Pam Gomez, Jill Merniger, Gramdma Eve, Pop Pop Pop Tart, Ann, Ashley and Laura, Sam and Irene, Bob and Bernadette, Mom. So many helped today. Some with entertaining and watching the kids, some with cleaning, some with hanging stuff, some with organizing, some with taring up floors and moving furniture. Wow, so much got done. I am sitting in a mess that I need to finish and listening to Mom and Marc cutting something upstairs for the floor. We could have never done this with out all the help.

Zaachi had a hard time today. Actually for two day now he just seems lost, grieved, broken. I know that God says that a broken and contrite spirit he will not deny. "Lord, touch our boy, your boy, he needs you so much physically and emotionally. We need your wisdom in how to help him. "
Tonight Nan (my mom, who drove in from West Virginia today to be with us and help out) snuggled with Zaachi till he fell asleep. It is so sweet to have her here. Oh, how my heart hurts for him tonight. I am praying for a more cheerful day tomorrow.

Monday we meet with the Dr. to discuss what his options are. We think surgery will be on Thursday.

I will continue to post at often as I can. Goodnight to all our wonderful friends and prayer warriors. Thank you for all that were his "hands and feet" today.

How does one focus?

As I opened my blog to write. I heard "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" on Pandora. I guess this is the answer to my question. How does one focus in times like these? I can focus by Turning my Eyes on Him.

"Oh, Lord, I feel like I keep moving but don't get anywhere. I am lost. God help me to focus on you and allow you to take these fears, burdens and anxieties."

Today we heard back from the Dr.'s that now they want to delay the Make A Wish trip and do surgery next week sometime. So, I will cancel the trip in the morning and start preparations for Zaachi's needs post surgery. I need a chair lift for the steps. I need to pull up the carpet in the office, I need to find room for the office. I need to do a lot of thing. Hopefully he will be comfortable in his new room.
I think my mom will be here on Sat. as well as some friends from City Limits. God is good because I couldn't do it without them. We learned from the last time that this is such a big task. God always provided, but there were some dark days.

So, today another series of changes and preparations. My day started with Mom calling to tell me that Dad was able to get everything worked out for all of us to stay together a few days in Fl. The excitement began to build in anticipation for what was about to happen. Then around 4 realizing that he wouldn't be able to go yet and reminded of how serious of a condition he is in by the urgency of the Dr.s.

What will tomorrow hold? I don't know but I will make a stronger effert to focus on God. He will give me what I need for my day. Grandma Eve is coming to Zaachi's Coffee House at school and she is bring her famous cup cakes for Zaachi's class. It will be a sweet day for I know he will be touched by the show of people. Xavier is going with me and also our family therapist (who are amazing). So, good night for now.

Make A Wish

We are so thankful for Make A Wish. They are sending us to Fl. for a week. We had planned to leave on the 21 but that got moved up to next Wed. the 10 as of today. I appears that they want to do the surgery before chemo this time and they want him to go on his trip first. The big problem is that his pain is increasing with every day. It hit me really hard today when I realized that with each day we have had to increase dosages. I haven't sent him to school for two days now. His school isn't handicap accessible. So, it causes aggravation in his leg to go up and down so many steps. Friday he is reading a story he wrote at a Coffee House at his school and we are gonna have a little party and make it his last day at McKinley Elementary. I hate that he has to leave his friends, but we don't really have a choice. He will be on home bound for awhile and then we will figure out what to do from there.
Life is changing so fast. Xavier is graduating in a few months, Jayden turns 16 in the fall, Maggie will be starting preschool, and Zaachi is changing with each day.
Tonight I had him sleep in Maggie's room (it is next to ours and on the 2nd floor) I read to them and then we prayed. Zaachi prayed that God would heal us all, emotionally, spiritually and physically. My heart melted, I can't imagine God's plan in all of this but that is not for me to question. I choose to trust, I choose to Praise him, even when I don't understand him. "God he glorified in my son."
I don't know what tomorrow will hold. I have a long list of calls, paper work, faxes on top of taking care of the kids while also packing.
God help me prioritize and get it all done.
We will have rooms to move, a chair lift to put in and carpet to pull up when we return.
If anyone wants to be involved we welcome help. We know that this is bigger than us. CHOP showed us a web site that helps communicate his progress and also gives a calendar to help coordinate volunteers. The site is secure. So if you would like to get involved or just follow his progress just send me your email address and I will send you an invitation.

Thanks

Maggie's 1st blog 2-24-10

This is a story made up by Maggie.

What is it about?
"Pappy loves me."

"Pappy loves me all my tator holes and Nanny. They were in a bush in the water.

Were they Mermaids?

"Yep, they were Mermaids and then Zaachi was a Mermaid. (Z says he would be a Merman). Them got a shark and the shark came and eat them....."

I don't like this story

"The story goes Pappy said .....nokdjvoejopgroh"

I don't understand.

Z says, "Me too and I am usually the Maggie translator."

What was your favorite part of the day.

"It was good and Pappy come over our house. Please, come to our house. "

"I made a triangle with Bucca's legs.
Tell me about Bucca.
He was just laying down and he barked at me. "

What can you tell me about Bucca?

"He likes me to make a circle around him.. He likes everything. He likes a triangle around him. I rolled it around him. He likes to play with me and go around in circles. we were playing with a orange outside, like a ball and Bucca got it and it was crazy. "

What's your favorite thing to do?

"Nothing. I like to play wit Bucca."

Now she is trying to put a sticker on the dog.
Enough for now, I can't keep up with her.

Susie

2nd Blog entry by Z Man 2-24-10

So, What do you want to talk about today?

"What I did today."
"Well, I got up, hoping that my MRI would come clear. When I got there I had to wait and when I was in my MRI I fell asleep. When are we going to Philly? To Aunt Jo Jo's? ......
Umm, ( he groans in pain waiting for the pain meds to kick in).......
I don't think I can continue to blog today Susie.......
I have to keep on moving forward.......
I just need to rest right now. I had a long day."

Ok, we don't need to do this now.

Do you want me to post this?

"Yes, Hope Pastor Louis is on."

Z Mans first blog entry

"It's a beautiful day out. Why did the chicken cross the road? I have cancer and I am not very happy. Why did this all have to happen to me?"

What went through your head when the Dr.'s told you the news on Friday?

"Well, I thought, how could this happen again? "

What helps you get through each day?

Marc says a good attitude and Z man agreed.

"Singing."

What do you like to sing?

"Songs about the Lord".

What is your favorite song?

"Ride the Mighty High"

Why is that your favorite?

" Because I like when they say, Ride the mighty high!"

What else do you think can help you through this?

"Video games and TV and music and love and care, TLC."

What do you think is going to happen next?

"I'm gonna go through surgery and have Chemo again."

Why do you think that?

"Because it could really be serious in my lungs"

Why do you think it is in your lungs?

"Because it could have builded up over a month"

Your scan was clear the last time. What emotions do you feel?

"Worriness and sadness"

So, if you could say anything to someone who was going through a hard time, what would you tell them?

"Keep trusting the Lord."

Why do you say that?

"Because the Lord can do anything for you."

We love you and hope you know that you are never alone. We are gonna go through this journey together. I think that blogging your journey may help you as you process what has happened in your life and what is currently happening. Plus, others can learn and grow with us as we grow through this situation. Does that sound like a plan?

"Yes"

When you came home from finding out what did you tell me?

"I don't totally remember"

You told me that you were depressed but "Look at the bright side, I can touch more peoples lives." Do you remember that?

"Yes"

How do you want to touch their lives?

"By teaching them more about the Lord and that our God saves."

Is there anything else that you want me to type and include in your first blog entry?

"No."

Ok, that is it for now. Hope that anyone that reads this will continue to pray for Z and our family as we walk forward with the Lord in this journey. We need miracles and we know that God can do anything. We place our trust in Him.

Humbled

Be still....my soul...and wait before your creator. He is near.

I don't know what lies ahead, but what I do know...

I do know that God is faithful
I do know that he will not give me more than I can bare
I do know that we are more than conquerors through Christ
I do know that he works all things for our good
I do know that he has a plan for me
I do know that the trying of my faith works perseverance
I do know that his yoke is easy and his burden is light
I do know that I can do all things through Christ that strengths me

This has been a trying week. Last weekend I was frustrated with Z because he seemed to be going backward with walking again. I thought he was making up excuses, till I looked at his leg before school one morning and realized something didn't seem right with his right (good) leg. I talked to the PT, I talked to the Dr. all seemed to think he had just over done it or something. The next day I called the Dr. again. He seemed to be shaking a lot and his knee didn't look right. The Dr. agreed to look at it and Marc took him in on Friday to get an Xray. Z has cancer again. Dr. said that in his twenty-some years of practice he had never seen this kind of cancer go to another bone. Marc came home and told Xavier and I and then I proceeded to go get Jayden and tell her. How could this happen? Why him? He has been through so much already....I DON'T KNOW WHY, but I DO KNOW....God does. I DO KNOW THAT HE WILL BE GLORIFIED. I DO KNOW it will not be easy.
So, far the kids seem to be handling things well, including Z. He is trying to look on the bright side of things. He was telling our neighbor about what was happening and he broke out in song, "He'll give you Hope for tomorrow, Joy for your sorrow, strength for anything you go through" I helped him finish, "I know the plans I have for you". We stood not really knowing how to respond. I began to think...."This kid no matter what happens is bringing glory to God and I want him to be able to share it with others." So, I asked him to blog with me as we go through this JOURNEY of uncertainty. The first thing he told me when he came home from the clinic after discovering the cancer was back was, "I feel depressed, the cancer is back again. But think of the bright side, I can touch more peoples lives now."

I DO KNOW THAT GOD WILL WALK WITH US.

What I have learned today.

Today, Maggie told me that God took her heart out. LOL! Funny how they think at this age.

Ok, today had a few challenges. One challenge was the DETOX. I learned to never plan one when you are about to have your monthly because cravings are worse it seems and you feel irritable to begin with.
Second, I learned that I have a very understanding husband (I already knew that but I was reminded how understanding and supportive he is today). I was grumpy, tired, cold and hungry (not a good combination) and he was patient and tender and sent me to bed.
The third thing I learn was that, you always have to have room for a change of plans. Why sweat it, just roll with the punches and keep praising. All the detoxing plan when out the window when at 5:00pm I checked on Zaachi (who was sleeping on the couch) and found him burning up with fever. Suddenly the adrinilin starts kicking and the calls to Dr.s are made. He had a fever of 104. This was very alarming with his condition. Marc and I ran him to the ER, where he still is at this time, so they could begin fluids and antibiotics. Marc is taking 1st shift and I will take tomorrow while he is at work. We teared as we realize that this may be a rough few days or even months, depending on the cause. Life had just seemed to calm and we had been enjoying the calm. SO for dinner we all had McDonalds. Bad choice but we had coupons.

I spoke with someone earlier and they seemed to think maybe we had taken on too much and that there comes a time when one asks, Am I really living life? The life Marc and I have chosen has taken a toll on us. There have been times when I feel I have nothing left to give and if one more thing goes wrong, I will crumble. Well, those are times that we see that in our weakness his strength is perfected. Often times, I come to that point and realize that "I can not do this!" But "He can!" I imagine him watching us struggle with the weight life baring down on our shoulders when he is beside us wanting patiently for us to allow him to be yoked with us and carry it for us.

Some may believe that God calls us to a fun, happy life eating Bon Bons, but I don't see that picture at all in the Word. I see Joy and Peace in the midst of storms and trial and tribulations. In James it say to count it all joy when these trials and temptations come, because the trying of our faith works perseverance. So, for me I will stand and know that he is God. No need to try and avoid the storm, I must face is head on and learn and grow. He say in the Word that he won't give us more than we can bare. I choose the road less traveled, I choose the pain it may bring, I choose the joy set before me, because after all this life is" but a breath". I like to think of life as a starting point, but my real life, my treasure is in the Lord and the future we have reigning with him. Please don't get me wrong, I do enjoy life and I do love having fun, I just know that suffering is inevitable, why else would he say that we had to "Take up our cross".

One last thing. It is understandable why others may not understand your call and directive in life. I don't feel compelled to help those who struggle with addiction, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. I felt with each of our children a call to be their parent but I can't expect someone who has never had that call, to understand. So, value what the other parts of the body are doing and do your part. We can only function as a healthy body, when we all do what we are individually called to do. By the way, I value you today.

I will keep you all updated on Zaachi's progress as we find out. The plan at present is to give him 24 hours of IV antibiotics and fluids and then reassess. As I have mentioned he had a full femur bone replacement and he has had an infection in his leg for over a year. Instead of doing another major surgery we have opted to have him on daily antibiotic. The Dr. said he may be on them for the rest of his life. For some reason, it seems that the infection may have flared up again. His leg Dr. is presently out of the country, so we will have to see what they recommend. Good news is that his chest scans came back negative for cancer. Praise the Lord!

Detox

I typed out the entire diet plan and forgot to press POST. Very frustrated at myself at this time. But it is too late to do it all over again. I will try again tomorrow. In the mean time pray my memory for detail gets better.

Trying to get Healthy

Trying? Yes, as the title to this blog is Journey, so is almost every aspect of our lives a journey and today, I am focusing on Healthy Habits.
Many of you may not know that last Aug. Jayden and Xavier's brother, Zaachi was diagnosed with Osteo Sarcoma and needed a home. Marc and I took him in and we began chemo and he underwent two surgeries. One to replace his femur bone and one to remove the cancer from his lungs. The leg surgery was in Nov. of 2008 and he is still in physical therapy three times a week. This summer my kids lost their mother in a violent tragedy and Zaachi's father is awaiting trial for this.
I must say that when I needed it most I was not practicing healthy habits, which could explain my near emotional crash. It was frustrating to try because many times there either was no time or there was no strength. But usually if I made a plan it would get changed out of necessity or emergency. This, even though, unavoidable was frustrating at times. I did go to church and that was life to me, to sing and surender all I was. This wa one of the only habits that got me through. Don't get me wrong, I did pray but it was not in a routine manner. God got us through but now that life is starting to take on some routine I am enjoying the daily discipline that bring such joy.
So, all that to say I am trying to eat more healthy. I now have the time to plan a healthy meal and go to the gym. I have gained about 20 pounds in the last year or so. My goal is lose 40 and here is my plan. I am going on a detox for the first 12 days of Feb. (in hope to be more thin on Valentines Day), then I am gonna have a wonderful Valentines Day and then continue to focus on mainly Fruit, Veggies and lean meats while working out till my Best Friends Baby Shower on the 27th of Feb. I hope to have lost at least 15 pound at that point and then continue into March and lose 25 by the time we go to Disney on Zaachi's Make-A-Wish. So, I am gonna blog in order to keep myself accountable and record what works and doesn't for me.

I welcome any healthy tips or recipes and if anyone would like to join me in this endeavor, we can get healthy together. I have been struggling with pain in my joints for a few months now. I read today that gluten can contribute to swelling. So, I am gonna try to avoid most wheat products and see if that helps.

I want to share a recipes with you I created the other night,
Soup Mix
4 Chicken leg quarters
12 cup of water
1 Yellow onion
3 cloves of garlic
5 carrots diced
over 1/2 a bunch of celery

Fresh Mix
4 tomatoes
1 small red onion
1/2 yellow onion
2 cloves of garlic
handful of celentro
1/2 a lime squeezed
one jalapeno
salt, pepper to taste

Slow cook chicken till it comes off the bone easily. Strain broth and put pulled chicken back in broth. Dice up carrots, onion, celery and put in. Also, mince the garlic and brown it slightly in another pan with a dab of olive oil, then put it in. Simmer till veggies are tender.

When that is simmering dice up all the other veggies in a separate bowl. When the soup is ready pour a bowl of soup and then add 2 tlble spoon or so of the fresh uncooked veggies and it gives a spicy and healthy fresh bite.

I also skimmed the fat off the top of my broth to make it less fattening.

Enjoy!