All day I have been filled with emotion. It's been a day of reflection, exhaustion and wonder. I found out that we have two more Chemo's instead of one. It's like a running a marathon, giving your all thinking the end is close, just to find out you have one more mile. I wondered today, just how tired Zaachi is, how does he feel about all of this? The Dr. spoke so highly of him in wonder of how well he is doing in light of the fact that in the last Month and half, he had two major surgeries and is now in Chemo. Today he walked around handing out Dum Dums to other patients and staff, he seems unaffected however I know he is. Father's Day just past and I know that brings up so many confusing thoughts. He was in tears Sunday and spoke of regret of not treating his father better, he felt that maybe he was the cause of his downward spiral. He was carrying a guilt that somehow he was the cause of his mother's death. I reassured him that often times as parents we feel the pain of hurtful angry words from our children but we are adults and we hurt, but move forward knowing that our kids love us they are just hurting as well. I assured him that he was not at all the cause as I have in times past. I pray he is able to let that go soon. I looked at him today, tired and not really himself, it has been a long few months, but we are almost done. Pray for him, it is a miracle he is sane with the events that have happened over the course of his little life.
I am hopeful. Just a few couple of months ago the clinic introduced us to our hospice nurse and now we seemed to be "out of the woods". I spoke about this to our Dr. and she said that the irony of and aggressive tumor is that the cells divide quickly making the chemo more effective. I asked in tears what she thought would happen from here. She said, "If anyone can beat this, Zaachi can." Zaachi can't but I know God can and I reminded her of how God has moved so miraculously in his and our lives. I want everyone to know, his hand has guided, healed, provided, strengthened.

I feel sick and nothing sounds good, not even Momma's homemade chicken dumplings. This will pass.

Maggie has been fun, yet a little challenging. It is like clockwork...CHEMO = Wild Maggie. Her world isn't right without everyone home. She was so funny yesterday. I was talking with our therapist and I said that something was "Awkward", Maggie said, " "Awkward, with no panties on". RANDOM! We of course laughed and she said, "Awkward, my butt hangin out" the tone was hysterical.
She has been obsessed with the topic of Heaven and Hell. Today she asked if there were bad guys in heaven. I told her that they would all be in hell and we would be safe with Jesus. She really liked this. She said, that Jesus was gonna crush the devil(she had heard this in a worship song). Trying to explain some truths are so hard. When I try I realize how much I depend upon Christianeaze. You can't used that with kids, so one must get creative.

Last night Mercy and Alex, two sweet friends from down the street, came over while their parents attended a Dinner. Mercy is 11 and has such a sweet caring, giving personality. She brought her nail stuff over and gave Maggie her first Pedicure complete with the scrub and massage. Maggie's words were, "This is Amazing". She then asked if she could do mine, I have cute toes at the moment thanks to Mercy. She told me that we need to learn how to make a blanket for the baby since it will be cold when it's born. She is so creative and fun.

Last week I got to sing for the first time at Epic. It has been a year since I regularly led worship. I miss singing, it is such a part of me. Ever since I was a little girl I was singing to Jesus. I am not leading worship but I am enjoying getting to know everyone and harmonizing. Harmonizing is fun to me, my roommates and I in college used to get a kick out of getting three parts going on our way to the cafe. When I visit Kirsten, she and I usually sneak down to the basement for some time of worship at her piano. Such refreshing times. I think that as believers there is such a need for reflection and worship at the alter after hearing the Word. It is the time to allow that seed to get rooted and pray through the STUFF of life that hold s us back. I remember lingering, even as a child till late hours seeking God around the alter. Those were the times that I remember, the CALL, the HEALING, the FILLING. I don't know where I would be without the alter. Humm....Lord revive us. I lay myself, again on the alter. I must take up my cross, DAILY. Stir in me, stir up the gifts that lay dormant inside. I don't know what you want for my life, but I am willing to do what ever it is. Reveal yourself to me.

I really should get to bed. I have a wedding tomorrow, Z still in the hospital, worship practice on Saturday morning, bring Zaachi home, then transport of Xavier to CT., church on Sunday and 4 Dr.s appointments on Monday(2 local & 2 in Philly). I feel overwhelmed thinking about it all. God is good, he will show me how to get it all done, he always does.