Post fom Nov. 2010 somehow I posted it again to today. I am not pregnant! LOL! A new season about to start!

When I think of the past 2 years....I think of Autumn and Winter. However, even Alaska has spring and summer. We have made it through two tough battles with Zaachi and he is now cancer free. Xavier has started college and is doing great. Jayden is now a Junior and working hard to be prepared for college. Maggie just started Pre-school......she loves it and loves practicing her letters.

Routine has been therapeutic for all of us. So, from the looks of things we are starting a new season. To me it seems like Spring.

I am pregnant, more so than I often realize. In a few months I will have a little one in my arms. I am reorganizing the house and getting a better grip on the simple things in life that get overlooked during tragic times. I am getting a little time alone, to think and meditate which is always good.

Wrapped up in Wraps

Today, I was reading my old entries. Wow, so much has happened. We have a new member to our family. Soren Josiah Telesha, 3 months old tomorrow. He is so much fun! I am very much enjoying him.

Xavier is finishing his first year of College and seems to have survived well. He is working with Valley Youth House as a Youth Mentor. God has opened so many doors for him to share is story and insights with social workers in our area. I believe the Lord is using him to better equip those who have the privilege of working directly with kids who have experienced hardship such as himself.

Jayden she is 16 and already freaking out about colleges and God's Plan verses her desires and so forth. She will figure it all out in time. It is one of those things that we all have to face, repetitiously through life. But she is doing well and we are proud of her.

Zaachi, is doing well. Physically he is on IV antibiotics to try and fight an infection on his leg, but scans have been clear and Chemo is over. He seems to be healing emotionally too. He loves Soren and he is excited that soon he will be officially adopted.

Maggie is about to turn 5 and is finishing her first year of Pre-K and is very prepared for Kindergarten. She gets to go to the school on Friday to register for Kindergarten. She has changed a lot in the last year. I thought she would struggle with jealousy with Soren, but I have not noticed any signs of jealousy. She adores him.

Marc is still working at Community Services for Children and I am at home with the kids. Zaachi often needs me during the day and Soren is so little, I need to be home for this season. This is a challenge financially so I have started making baby wraps. I fell in love with one that a friend gave me. I wear Soren all the time at Dr. visits and the grocery store and such. It has made life so much easier and he is content in my arms. So, I am on an adventure of sewing....I can do that from home and it is flexible. However, it remains to be seen how financially profitable it will be. I figured it was worth the try. God is always providing for us physically, emotionally and spiritually so I am choosing to remind myself often and try not to worry.

Please pray that we will be able to fix our van soon or afford a newer one. Also, we do need more income, so pray for a door to open for us. Well, this was just a brief update. Hope all is well with all of you. God bless.

Sacrifice

I start this entry not knowing how much I should share. I began writing very honestly in my personal journal so that I could watch how God heals and provides for us. The honest truth.....life is VERY difficult...or at least my perception is that it is. We shape expectations as we grow and are exposed to different life styles. I distinctly remember at the age of 16 looking into the lights of the church as God's power was falling on his people in a revival at Calvary Temple in the hills of WVa. I was comfortable there and my parents had decided to take a little church in Grafton and I DID NOT WANT TO GO. God challenged me that night and I said, "Yes, wherever God I will go." At the time this seemed like a huge sacrifice, but God really taught me a lot over the next few years of ministry with my parents. Ministry seemed so beautiful and popular to choose, little did I know what real sacrifice was.

I was just reading a discipleship book this morning and it quoted Luke 14:28.

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether you have enough to complete it?"

What is the cost of being a disciple of Christ?

I have been wrestling with feeling completely depleted and overwhelmed. I spoke with Marc yesterday and I think my perspective of what I should have and how life should be is different than Gods. When I asked Marc if he was satisfied with our life he said, "I am just thankful to be alive" Wow what a perspective.....I think I need to adjust mine. My Mom was sharing with me about my Dad's recent trip to Honduras. She said the people have hardly anything and they are happy. They are happy.......they don't know what they are missing, they don't know about TV's, entertainment, beautiful kitchens (I am such a girl). They know family, God and working hard.....I guess? So, why am I so upset about not having the things I feel I should have. I have a beautiful home with heat and AC... I have enough food for my children... I have 5 wonderful children... I have wonderful friends in the faith....I have parents and family who love me....we have enough..enough. The other stuff that has been overwhelming my mind....Zaachi's sickness, lack of work, a kitchen with little space and light, a project left undone, unprepared for the baby, Christmas, Marc's health, my children's safety......I place all these things in your hands Lord.....this is not my life or my home or family.....you have given me responsibility of them but they are ALL yours. I choose to change my perspective....I choose to be content in the state I find myself in....I choose to TRUST.

Sacrifice.....when contemplating the call of God, go in with eyes wide open. This is not an easy walk, it requires a cross. I want more than anything to please God and follow his plan for my life....so I will continue this walk....our treasures are in heaven. It is all a matter of perspective. I am blessed and joyful this day, I cast down every negative thought planted by the enemy.

I think it is no coincidence that the last two Sundays I have heard about Job and Daniel, both when given hard, horrendous circumstances.....worshiped....that was their response to it....Worship. So next time you feel the attack of the enemy....fall and worship....worship your maker.

Getting out of the Hospital in hopes that it will be our last stay.

Zaachi and I are sitting in the hospital waiting for the Doc to come and let us go. I asked him to share some things he has learned through this journey.

If you are going through a hard time. Just think of what will happen if you push through this hard time. Keep moving forward, the more forward the newer the day. The more you move forward the more you will heal. Keep your body healthy, eat lots of vegetable and grains and stuff. And don't forget to drink your milk. Words of advice for strong bones.

I have learned that God will be with you wherever you go, God is watching over you, you will always be ok. Everything that happens to you in life is part of God's plan.

Why do you think bad things happen?:
I don't know. Maybe because the enemy wants to destroy us.
Why would he want to do that?:
You know I don't have an answer for every question. I think he wants to destroy us, he wants us to think that God isn't protecting us but someone else is. He wants us to think that that someone else is him (the devil).
The Devil?:
I don't like using the word devil, for some reason that name doesn't go right with me. Out of all the names in the world, why did they pick "devil" to be his name?
What is your first plan of action now that you are done with treatment?:
Humm.....finding out if I am allowed to run and jump again and kick really hard in the pool. Cause then I be able to have even more of a blast. Then I can keep up with Alex, he likes to go go go.

If you are going through a hard time keep moving forward and you will fulfill your dreams.

We have had some wonderful blessings this week. Funding came in for us to build an office space in our center living area of our house. Marc and I came up with and idea to use some old doors in our basement to create a desk top along with some homemade cabinet with the doors on the front. It will be a "door" theme. The hope is to be more organized, create a more efficient space for working and organizing life. Plus we came up with a way to hide all wires for baby safety as well as put all harmful supplies out of reach in the cabinets behind doors for the little hands that are soon to come. Such a miracle, it is such a need for us, but there was no money. God is amazing!

We also had some hard news this week. Marc has been fighting many odd spasms and some joint pain. We went to the Dr. two days ago and they informed us that he has Rheumatoid Arthritis. This was very alarming to us and has forced us to once again reassess how we do life. Marc started a drug regiment at a low dose initially to suppress his immune system. He also will need to start exercising frequently and living a healthier less stressful life. This may be hard considering the situations we can't control that we are in with Z being sick and the upcoming murder trial for the kids mom. With God all things are possible. He has never left us, he has alway upheld us. We will need to continue to strive to lay all things at the Lords feet. With the drugs that he is taking, there is a possibility of the Disease going into remission.

Last night I started feeling some discomfort in my lower abdominals. Dr. said that it may just be some stretching. I will take it easy this weekend and call them if it persist till Monday. Seems like it is one thing after another. Maybe it is an attack, maybe it just "life". Whatever it is or why it is I don't know. I felt tempted this week to be angry toward the Lord. It scared me that these feelings came, but I recognized that every GOOD gift and every PERFECT gift comes from above. So this, whatever it is I will fight as an attack, I will move forward to allow the flames to work good out in me not evil. It is a choice I have, pray that I keep a good attitude.

Something neat that is happening........ A friend of ours Beau, who is seeing our niece Courtney, went on a 6 week missions trip to Zambia. We received a call from him and he had met a friend of mine, Rick McDonald, from Master's Commission in Balt. who is now a missionary in Zambia. They called us together to check on Zaachi and share with us that they were together there and found it interesting that they both knew us. Well, ends up that Beau felt a call of God to return to Africa next year. I chatted with my Aunt Lisa the other night and she too had been in Zambia for awhile on a medical team. I also, got a message from Rick that two missionaries, a married couple, were moving to Bethlehem. The wife is going to be getting her PA in a school near by and they need a church and some connections here. Another friend of our is moving with his family to Cape Town, South Africa. Seems odd all these connections crossing, maybe one day we will end up in Africa or maybe God is showing us a need to pray for all those there. Only God knows, but I enjoy hearing all the exciting news of what God is doing.

Some days....this life is overwhelming, but when you hear the heart beat of a baby or see the world opening up before your children, it makes it worth it. Although sometimes in the moment, raising responsible, loving, God fearing, healthy children seems an impossible task. Oh, God grant me wisdom. I need you soooo much.

Zaachi goes in for his last Chemo next week. They were unable to get him into Ronald McDonald Camp so we will now do CHEMO a week earlier. He didn't call home once while at camp, I take it he is having a blast. He comes home tomorrow. Then on Sunday Jayden turns 16. It's hard to believe, that in two years I will have two kids in college, one in middle school, one in elementary and one still in diapers. The juggling act of trying to reach each child at their different seasons of life is always a challenge, but at least there is never a dull moment. I am always open to advice or suggestions or literature about how to do it better- so keep me in mind;)

Update - July 19th

It has been awhile since my last entry. I think I was just burnt out and too tired and overwhelmed with life…..you ever feel that way? When you probably need friends and fellowship the most, you just shut the world out and try to ride the storm out.



On the bright side, a lot of good things are happening. Xavier got the opportunity to volunteer at Keswick in Massachusetts for the month and we will be going to get him and Jayden this weekend. Keswick is near and dear to our hearts. Marc’s sister, Amanda, used to go to that camp and then after her passing Marc had the opportunity to work there for a few years. A lot of our nieces and nephews have gone to the camp over the years and now our kids have been blessed to be able to attend retreats and camps, which is a miracle. The camp reached out to our kids in times of need and waved fees to ensure they could attend. I don’t know who gives the funds for these scholarships, but we have been very blessed and grateful. This year we definitely did not have the funds but somehow God made a way for Jayden to be there for two weeks. I pray this time has been life changing and exciting for them both.



Zaachi is in his first day of yet another CHEMO week. We will be here till Sat. morning and then we will be back for our final CHEMO week August the 23rd. It appears we will be done with treatment, which feels like “all is well”. Medically, “All is not well” they tell us he still has a far less than 5% chance of making it through, because the cancer typically comes back, however if there is 1% chance, there is still hope. We are going to embrace the life we have and hope and pray that he never has to face this again. I know “God has his hand on this little guy, he is his child, HE always has been.” I will put my trust in him.



My tummy is starting to firm up with the growth our 5th child. Oh, sometimes I feel like it still has not yet sunk in that I am pregnant. I am in my 13th week now. There are still fears that linger in the back of my mind that I must frequently fight, fears of getting my hopes up. But just like Zaachi I have to lay the situation at God’s feet and trust. I go on the 28th to hear the heart beat and I am sure I will feel more at ease after that.



Last week when we dropped Jayden off at Keswick, we stayed with our dear friends, Scott and Martha. I always feel like my brain turns into a sponge when I am there. They are both so good with finance and organization, it inspires me. I observe their methods of saving money and listen for words of wisdom. They are wise over the small things and it makes a big difference. They hang their clothes on the line, have a wood stove, coupon/sale/rebate shop. They are amazing. They pampered us while we were there. One morning Martha and I had pedicures together and it felt so good, I could almost hear the angels sing. Lol! Then that evening I got in their Jacuzzi and soaked for over an hour while finishing a good book. I felt the most relaxed that I felt in a long time. We then went to hang out with friends and family in CT and had a wonderful time. We even brought our nephew home with us till we go back. He is 19 and as geeky as his Uncle Marc. They have had a great time this week, playing board games and playing Frisbee golf. Marc and I will be sad to see him go. He is also really good with kids, Maggie and Zaachi have really enjoyed him as well.



Marc is in the midst of cleaning out our basement today. We had some water in the basement that was causing an odor and mold probably, so he moved things out and put Clorox water on the floors to ensure that nothing was growing. We will be having a yard sale soon! Got to get ride of some of this stuff and simplify life! I am ready to get organized and ready for routine again. Routine went rite out the window when we discovered his cancer again. I miss it and am really excited to get back to normal. We are trying to get Maggie into Head Start for the fall. She has been asking to go to school all summer and I think she is ready and would love it. Plus, when the baby comes, if she is in school the transition will probably easier for her.



Marc is only scheduled for part time work in the fall, but there is a possibility that the funding may come in for full time, which would be perfect. God has always provided what we NEED. I will trust that he again will come through with work for Marc.



So, if anyone would like to visit Zaachi this week we are at LVH on the 4th floor, B wing, room 18.



Thanks for all your prayers and support!



Choosing to trust and obey,



Susie

All day I have been filled with emotion. It's been a day of reflection, exhaustion and wonder. I found out that we have two more Chemo's instead of one. It's like a running a marathon, giving your all thinking the end is close, just to find out you have one more mile. I wondered today, just how tired Zaachi is, how does he feel about all of this? The Dr. spoke so highly of him in wonder of how well he is doing in light of the fact that in the last Month and half, he had two major surgeries and is now in Chemo. Today he walked around handing out Dum Dums to other patients and staff, he seems unaffected however I know he is. Father's Day just past and I know that brings up so many confusing thoughts. He was in tears Sunday and spoke of regret of not treating his father better, he felt that maybe he was the cause of his downward spiral. He was carrying a guilt that somehow he was the cause of his mother's death. I reassured him that often times as parents we feel the pain of hurtful angry words from our children but we are adults and we hurt, but move forward knowing that our kids love us they are just hurting as well. I assured him that he was not at all the cause as I have in times past. I pray he is able to let that go soon. I looked at him today, tired and not really himself, it has been a long few months, but we are almost done. Pray for him, it is a miracle he is sane with the events that have happened over the course of his little life.
I am hopeful. Just a few couple of months ago the clinic introduced us to our hospice nurse and now we seemed to be "out of the woods". I spoke about this to our Dr. and she said that the irony of and aggressive tumor is that the cells divide quickly making the chemo more effective. I asked in tears what she thought would happen from here. She said, "If anyone can beat this, Zaachi can." Zaachi can't but I know God can and I reminded her of how God has moved so miraculously in his and our lives. I want everyone to know, his hand has guided, healed, provided, strengthened.

I feel sick and nothing sounds good, not even Momma's homemade chicken dumplings. This will pass.

Maggie has been fun, yet a little challenging. It is like clockwork...CHEMO = Wild Maggie. Her world isn't right without everyone home. She was so funny yesterday. I was talking with our therapist and I said that something was "Awkward", Maggie said, " "Awkward, with no panties on". RANDOM! We of course laughed and she said, "Awkward, my butt hangin out" the tone was hysterical.
She has been obsessed with the topic of Heaven and Hell. Today she asked if there were bad guys in heaven. I told her that they would all be in hell and we would be safe with Jesus. She really liked this. She said, that Jesus was gonna crush the devil(she had heard this in a worship song). Trying to explain some truths are so hard. When I try I realize how much I depend upon Christianeaze. You can't used that with kids, so one must get creative.

Last night Mercy and Alex, two sweet friends from down the street, came over while their parents attended a Dinner. Mercy is 11 and has such a sweet caring, giving personality. She brought her nail stuff over and gave Maggie her first Pedicure complete with the scrub and massage. Maggie's words were, "This is Amazing". She then asked if she could do mine, I have cute toes at the moment thanks to Mercy. She told me that we need to learn how to make a blanket for the baby since it will be cold when it's born. She is so creative and fun.

Last week I got to sing for the first time at Epic. It has been a year since I regularly led worship. I miss singing, it is such a part of me. Ever since I was a little girl I was singing to Jesus. I am not leading worship but I am enjoying getting to know everyone and harmonizing. Harmonizing is fun to me, my roommates and I in college used to get a kick out of getting three parts going on our way to the cafe. When I visit Kirsten, she and I usually sneak down to the basement for some time of worship at her piano. Such refreshing times. I think that as believers there is such a need for reflection and worship at the alter after hearing the Word. It is the time to allow that seed to get rooted and pray through the STUFF of life that hold s us back. I remember lingering, even as a child till late hours seeking God around the alter. Those were the times that I remember, the CALL, the HEALING, the FILLING. I don't know where I would be without the alter. Humm....Lord revive us. I lay myself, again on the alter. I must take up my cross, DAILY. Stir in me, stir up the gifts that lay dormant inside. I don't know what you want for my life, but I am willing to do what ever it is. Reveal yourself to me.

I really should get to bed. I have a wedding tomorrow, Z still in the hospital, worship practice on Saturday morning, bring Zaachi home, then transport of Xavier to CT., church on Sunday and 4 Dr.s appointments on Monday(2 local & 2 in Philly). I feel overwhelmed thinking about it all. God is good, he will show me how to get it all done, he always does.